Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
