I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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