The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
