we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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