Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
