I think I died a long time ago.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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