Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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