I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
