Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
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