If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
