ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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