I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I checked into jail on foursquare
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
