she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
