Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
