I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
God, you're like boner-b-gone
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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