Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
