Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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