My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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