Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
