she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
