I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
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