Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
