3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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