I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
