So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
