the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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