A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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