I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
