my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Randomize
