You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
