if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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