That's when you crack a 10am beer
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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