Can i not drive my cunt home
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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