Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
