we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
