Someone shit on the floor
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
