How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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