either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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