Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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