Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
