if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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