Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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