I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
