get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
