"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
