umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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