Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
