That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
