just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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