i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
