I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
