I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
