Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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