false alarm. still invincible.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
